


Glow

by Jaeminct



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Atsumu doesn't know what to do, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Relapse, Sakusa Kiyoomi is not happy, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, They are married, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 05:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaeminct/pseuds/Jaeminct
Summary: Your soulmate tattoo glows when your soulmate is happy.Kiyoomi smiles all the time but Atsumu’s soulmate tattoo hasn’t glowed in a while.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 79
Collections: Jaeminct- Sakuatsu Angst Week 2021





	Glow

**Author's Note:**

> Sakuatsu Angst Week 2021: Day 2  
> Prompt: Soulmate AU

Kiyoomi was laughing again, Atsumu could hear it and he could see the smile decorating his husband's features but Atsumu couldn’t hear a drop of  _ true _ happiness in the sound.

It had been like this for a while now, longer than Atsumu would like to admit, Kiyoomi would act all happy and smiley but the soulmate tattoo on Atsumu’s upper arm wouldn’t glow.   
  
At first, Atsumu had thought that maybe they’d made a mistake and they somehow weren't soulmates. But the love they shared was true and pure and when Atsumu was happy the tattoo situated on Kiyoomi’s collarbone would glow. Needless to say, it was virtually impossible for them to not be soulmates, they’d even checked at their wedding. 

With that idea out of the picture, there was only one reasonable conclusion for Atsumu to reach.

Miya Kiyoomi had  _ relapsed _ .

There’d been a time before they’d met where Atsumu’s tattoo hadn’t glowed for at least 6 months. At the time he’d just assumed his soulmate had died and was rather mournful for someone he had never met, yet one day, at about three in the morning, it had glowed. Atsumu cried tears of relief at the site, but the emotions he’d felt during those months stayed swept into a far corner of his mind. 

  
Once they’d gotten more serious with their relationship, they were snuggled up in bed together and the words had slipped out of Atsumu before he could think.

_ “Couple years ago now, you were never happy, why's that?” _

Of course the whole atmosphere had shifted and Atsumu had apologized but Kiyoomi had insisted it was fine. He’d simply adjusted his clothing to reveal a litter of scars on his left hip. Little words were spoken and many tears were spread as Kiyoomi recalled his former struggle with depression. 

Kiyoomi had said it was fine, that  _ he _ was fine-  _ “It’s in the past now.”  _

But nothing ever really stays in the past for long.

Atsumu kept this burning suspicion in the back of his mind for a while before he decided to act on it. That meant there was a period of time where he lived like a fool, acting as though he believed his husband's facade.

It was stupid, but he was _afraid._

It wasn’t as if  _ he _ was the one that was hurting,  _ he _ wasn’t the one fighting hidden demons but Atsumu was scared. He was scared of not being able to take good care of Kiyoomi. And when people get scared they tend to pretend the thing that’s scaring them isn’t really there- that was the approach Atsumu took.  
  


Kiyoomi laughed again, and Atsumu subtly looked down at his tattoo, his tattoo that wasn’t glowing.   
  


Atsumu hadn’t been paying attention to whatever was on TV so he didn’t get the joke that his husband was laughing at, but he knew whatever it was hadn’t made Kiyoomi happy.

  
There was a fake, brittle quality to the younger’s laughs that made Atsumu’s chest ache. It made him want to ask Kiyoomi what was going on, right then and there.

But again, he backed down.

He tried to do subtle actions to show his love, instead of outright facing the problem. Perhaps, some part of him thought he could love the darkness away. Extra kisses spaced out through the day, late night and early morning cuddle sessions, random gifts, extravagant dinners. 

He tried everything, but nothing changed. 

“Right, Omi, you’ll be alright on yer own, yeah?” Atsumu asked, slipping on his shoes. It was Suna’s birthday and the couple had been invited but Kiyoomi wasn’t fond of parties so Atsumu was to go alone.    
“I’ll be fine,” Kiyoomi said, “it’s not like I’ll die without seeing you for 3 hours. Just go.”   
  


“All right, call me if ya need me.” Atsumu kissed his husband's cheek and then he was gone, the door clicking shut after him.   
  


For the first time in a while, Kiyoomi was home alone. The house was empty, just like his heart.   
  


He wasn’t stupid, he knew what was happening to him, he just didn’t know what to do about it. He knew he should tell Atsumu or at least someone, but there was something about it that couldn’t be put into words.  
It was like, it was like he was drowning, both hands tied behind his back, with a weight tugging him down further under. There was nothing he could do to fight the creeping _nothingness_ he felt inside.   
  


Atsumu had been gone for maybe an hour when Kiyoomi began to grow restless of whatever crappy show was playing on tv. It was the same show he’d laughed so energetically at the other week, he didn’t find it funny but he knew normally he would have. He felt _obligated_ to laugh. 

He felt obligated to look happy, even though he wasn’t. He wanted to keep Atsmu away from the darkness in his mind but that plan hadn’t worked; multiple times he’d caught Atsumu not-so-subtly glancing down at the soulmate tattoo that would not glow. It didn’t matter how much Kiyoomi faked it, the evidence was right under their noses.

“Please,” he whispered to the four walls of the empty house. He was tired of living like this, with a heavy heart and an empty mind. His eyes began to sting and a lump formed in his throat, yet rather than give in and cry, Kiyoomi went to get a glass of water. 

If there was one thing he wasn’t going to do it was sob all alone in an empty house like the 16 year old he once was.  
  


With blurry eyes he poured himself a glass of water, cold, he raised it to his lips and…

SMASH

A sob racked his frame and he momentarily lost his grip on the glass causing it to go tumbling down to the ground. 

_ “My Gosh.” _

Kiyoomi immediately fell to his knees and scrambled to pick up the shards, sobs of frustration and resentment leaving his red lips. 

Why couldn’t he do anything right?

His thoughts were full of self-hatred and they only stopped when he felt the tiniest of pricks on his finger. He looked at it just in time to see a drop of crimson blood roll off the tip and dive onto the wet floor.  _ Relief _ .   
As the sharp edge broke through his skin the emotional torment he was going through felt bearable for just that moment. What he was willing to do to feel that same relief again baffled him beyond words and, before he knew what he was doing, his hand reached out to touch the sharp edge. Before he could touch the glass again the reality of what he was about to do crashed down on him. 

He stood up, turned on hi heel and left the kitchen, sobbing furiously with self-hatred. _How could he be so weak?_ _Again._

Atsumu was just getting into the car to come home when he got a call from ‘OMI❤️OMI’. He fumbled with his phone for a second. But eventually accepted the call to hear Kiyoomi sobbing pitifully on the other side of the line.    
“Baby? Baby what’s happened?”    
“Tsumu,” Kiyoomi walied with all the emotionality needed to turn Atsumu into a mad man.   
  


Atsumu literally almost crashed his car; he broke every speed limit without even realizing. The only thing he was focused on was the hysterical way his husband was crying on the other side of the line. This was all his fault.  _ How could he have let it get this bad? _

The car stopped with a comical screech and Atsumu literally bolted into the house. 

Kiyoomi was sitting crossed legged on the floor of the genkan, ugly faced sobbing, while wringing his hands. 

Atsumu saw the blood on his finger and his heart lurched to a stop.    
  


_ Did he…? _

“I- I almost…” Kiyoomi got no further as Atsumu embraced him in a firm hug. A part of him wished that he could just squeeze the sadness out of his husband but he knew that wasn’t how the world worked. They both sat on the floor and Kiyoomi hid his face in the crook of Atsumu’s neck, sobbing till his throat ran dry.    
“‘S alright Omi,”    
  
“You've done well.”

“Yer doin’ well.”

“I… I didn’t… I dont... I wanna…” Every attempt Kiyoomi made an attempt to voice his emotions faltered. Choked sounds of frustration and pain squeezed their way out of him.

“‘S alright Omi,” Atsumu cooed gently. 

“But it’s not.” Kiyoomi’s fingers dug into Atsumu’s back but the blond didn’t even flinch. “I’m so sorry! I thought… I could… maybe that I could hide it.” 

“What? Baby no. Why would you wanna hide this from me?” He rubbed Kiyoomi’s back in a way that he hoped would ease the pain. The crying reduced to hiccups and Kiyoomi’s head drooped with fatigue

“Quiet now baby, tomorrow we’ll work this all out.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought or any feedback you might have. Did you think there was something I could have done better? Kudos and comments are much appreciated.


End file.
